Thursday, 4 June 2009


Big Brother
's star is very much on the wane; for all of its self-hype, it has simply become a parody of itself to many. I remain staunchly loyal to the franchise; I bloody love it. All of the reasons which people now use to criticse it are simply reasons which increase my enjoyment of it.

Yes, everyone who enters the hallowed house nowadays is simply doing so as a means of trying to win themselves a poxy 13.5 seconds of gossip-rag 'fame'. Yes, they are all now permanently aware of the fact that they are being filmed. Yes, they are all idiots. So much the better - it makes for more entertaining viewing.

Anyway, it's summer. What would summer be without its yearly freak parade? So,as per usual, there's a redesigned house (this year resembling the aftermath of an explosion in a Lego factory), a (much-dimished) crowd - one of whom, either through irony or genuine reverence, was brandishing an "RIP Jade Goody" sign - and Davina McCall in an ill-flattering black dress. And, of course, the freaks themselves, whose combined stupidity was as overwhelming as ever.

A few first impressions:

Freddie - token posh white-boy reggae fan whose assertion that "I vote conservative but I'm anarchist at heart" was obviously designed to shock Daddy. Could be a slow-burning dark horse in the charm stakes.
Lisa - looks like Kitten from BB5 crossed with Tourette's Pete and managed to irritate me within five seconds simply in her refusal to say anything other than "whhhoooooaaaaaaayyyyy!!!"
Sophie - Barbie Samanda who thinks that being clever and being able to hold a beer bottle between her breasts are her most interesting features. Not sure I've ever heard those two in the same sentence before.
Kris - fit-but-he-knows-it Brand lookalike. Seems boring but will probably endure for a fair few weeks, even if just because he is hot.
Noirin - probably put into the house simply as a result of her hints that she'll either get her tits out a lot or shag somebody in there. Claims to have kissed Russell Brand, so it could well be Kris that gets lucky - watch this space.
Cairon - his nonsensical rhyming probably makes him think he's an urban Auden, but it just makes me laugh. Nearly as much as his sillily-topiaried eyebrows did. He ain't gay, alright?
Angel - it genuinely took me until Davina introduced her to realise that she wasn't a man, and she seems genuinely slightly deranged. Her 'corpse of Sweeney Todd' aesthetic really does scare me a fair bit.
Karly - wanna-wag who will blatantly be duller than stagnating dishwater. I've almost forgotten who she is already.
Marcus - I think the fact that he proclaimed himself "cool as fuck" while sat in front of the electric fire in his mum's living room says it all. Wolverine would howl in shame at that sideburns-and-mullet combo.
Beinazir - amazing hair and looks like Amy Winehouse. One of the most normal in there and actually does seem relatively sane. Obviously slipped through the producers' nets.
Sophia - did the lupus she allegedly had as a child (and there was me thinking it was never, ever lupus) leave her with some form of brain damage which renders her unable to stop her sodding screaming?
Rodrigo - sweeter than a bag of puppies made of candyfloss. Blatant early favourite to win; I love him already. Plus, I think he looks like he ought to have popped straight out of a Manga book.
Charlie - oh my, more crazy eyebrows. Or rather eyebrow, given that the other is remarkably intact. He's lopsided; maybe Cairon can give him lessons in symmetry. Then again, maybe not, as the eyebrow-related speculation you can engage in is about the only attention-catching thing about him.
Saffia - if you're so keen to be a self-created 'bitch', why aren't you trying out for The Apprentice instead?
Sree - has everything chosen for him by his parents and can sport a hangover after just half a pint: he'll either be voted out with incredible rapidity or else get utterly massacred in the house.
Siavash - says his biggest regret is not having a bigger cock. Yeah, from his ridiculously flamboyant dress sense and constant moustache-twiddling, I had guess that he was over-compensating for something.

As well as the fun of making my first judgements (I maintain that this is what they've put themselves out there for, and so deserve them), I love the fact that Big Brother has actually started dishing out ritual humiliation this series. Making Rodrigo shave off Noirin's eyebrows and draw a pair of glasses and a 'tache on her in permanent marker may be harsh, but she did volunteer for it. Making yourself look stupid in the name of TV has never been taken so literally but hey, at least she's a 'proper' housemate now, right?

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